Thursday, 23 August 2012

So here are the problems I have with abortion debates...

Normally, I would not touch an abortion discussion with a fifty foot pole because, as anyone who's ever accidentally stumbled into one with me could definitely attest, I get really angry.

But some things about the way people debate it really bother me, and so I'm just going to touch that, which is tangential, and therefore, it's like I'm just touching the fifty foot pole with another shorter pole.


1/ Everyone always cries rape.

Whenever an abortion debate arises--or do they even have to arise anymore? I mean, it's pretty much just an ongoing top-on-mind issue for the whole of society now, isn't it? but anyway--it seems impossible to have a logical conversation that does not include the phrase "But what about rape?"

Here's my problem with that: It's not the point. If you think women should only be allowed to have abortions when they are raped, then by all means, express that opinion. But if you don't, then why even mention rape? It dilutes the message that most people bringing it up are trying to convey, which is that a woman should be allowed to choose, regardless of the circumstances, whether or not she will carry a child to term.


2/ It's not really a women's rights and feminist issue.

As a woman, I am actually offended by the suggestion that abortion is a women's rights and feminist issue, as I am at any time when my voice is appropriated by someone presuming to speak for the whole of the female gender. Or for Canadians. Or for white people. Or whoever.

Reproductive rights do not strictly belong to women, and the only reason it's just us that abortion laws seem to affect is that we happened to get the vaginas. The immediate response to this idea is always "You can bet that if men had babies, nobody would be arguing against it!" (you were thinking it, weren't you?) and I disagree. As evidence, I offer the fact that nobody anywhere is arguing for reproductive rights for men. But then I take that back because historically, the people arguing most ardently for the reproductive rights of women also argued for them for men. But nobody does anymore--at least not enough and not very loudly.

Furthermore, to suggest that it is a basic right of women to terminate pregnancies and that every woman believes so is to completely alienate those women who don't believe so. It's not a feminist issue. It's a moral issue that absolutely transcends gender.


3/ Pro-life is a valid opinion.

People act like being opposed to abortion is absolutely abhorrent, and I find it a little sickening. There are some other things that surround the debate that I think are really unkind and ill-motivated, and I understand being disgusted by them and hating people for them. But at the very heart of the "is it okay to terminate a fetus or is that murder?" debate, there is a valid question with valid input from both sides.

There is no clear answer here, and for someone to presume to have access to the absolute truth of it all is preposterous, no matter where they think that truth is coming from.  Our entire society relies upon us all agreeing to moral laws that at some time would have been up for similar debate. Some of them were in the not-so-distant past.


4/ It smells like a maguffin.

Everyone is debating abortion and birth control, and sometimes I want to scream "I AM MORE THAN WHAT I'M ALLOWED TO DO WITH MY VAGINA AND UTERUS" because I feel like we've all just submitted ourselves to the idea that if women can take the pill and have abortions then equality has been achieved, and that's what we should be fighting for, godammit, and as long as you believe that we're allowed, then you must believe in equality for women and live your life with the utmost respect for doubled up X chromosomes.

And it's just not true. I know men who believe stringently and stridently in the right to abortion and perceive women as nothing more than sex objects. I know women who believe in it, too, and who are yet the very epitome of deference and patriarchal submission.

Plus I can think of about a dozen social injustices off the top of my head that rarely even get addressed in the news or elsewhere and are far more offensive (to my own sensibilities anyhow) than the idea that maybe women wouldn't be allowed to have abortions. It just seems like a bit of a red herring, and it's working really well.


I think that's all for my unpopular views of the day.
It's okay to hate me. Most people do.

Monday, 20 August 2012

Happy Birthday to Me

Today is my birthday. I love the crap out of my birthday. Every year, I stay up until midnight so I'm awake when it turns my birthday, and I'm usually up well past then because I'm so excited.

This year I turned thirty. I wasn't worried about turning thirty. It feels weird to say I'm thirty, but I'm sure that will wear off. I'm not where I thought I'd be at thirty, but if I were, I'd just be bored, so this is pretty okay, too.

Normally I set goals on my birthday for the year, but I didn't last year. Last year, my life was in a state of total suck. I remember sitting on the steps of the house where I lived, crying because back then I was just so sad all the time, and thinking, "Just wait. By your next birthday, everything will be so much better, you'll feel silly for ever having felt this way."

In a lot of ways, I was right. In other ways... well, some of the things that hurt then still hurt now, and I guess maybe they will for a long, long time. But my life, overall, is completely different and has deeply improved since then. I don't feel silly for feeling the way I did last year. If anything, I'm glad I felt that way, because I still remember it like it was just earlier today, and if I didn't, I'm not sure I'd realize now how strong I was this past year, or how much I have to be grateful for in other people.

I guess I had one goal: I set a ridiculously unattainable weight loss goal for today about ten days ago, and then I hit it and lost an extra three pounds, and I'm not telling you what it is because it's still an embarrassing weight to be, but when I stepped on the scale at the gym today, I immediately started doing this:

I also had some old goals that I hoped to have met by the time I was thirty. I wanted to own my own house. Did that. I wanted to get out of Listowel. Did that. I wanted to figure out what the hell to do with my hair. Did th--well, whatever, there's always next year. This year, thankfully, my life isn't so filled to the brim with suck, so I should set goals. My horoscope says I should try to change the world.
See?
But then, I pretty much already thought that I could, so I guess I didn't need the stars to align and tell me it was time.

I told my kids I was going to change the world, and you know what they said? They said, "Oh, really? What are you going to change?" Kids are awesome like that. They think a person can change the world. They believe in fairytales and magic and Santa Claus, and underneath all that fluff, they believe in people still. I love that about them. It's brave. When I grow up, I want to be brave like children are.

I didn't have an answer to their question, by the way. I don't know how I'm going to change the world yet. But I reckon I will, because I don't really have anything else planned, so that should help pass the time.


Thursday, 16 August 2012

Earworm - We Didn't Start the Fire, but Our Beds are Burning

These two songs remind me of each other. 

No, seriously, that's all this blog post is for.
Just getting my earworm out.

Billy Joel - We Didn't Start the Fire
    
    
Midnight Oil - Beds are Burning

I have a lot of these pairs of songs that aren't really related except in that they always make me think of each other, and now thanks to the powers of the internets, when I hear one, I can always go listen to the mate.

Do you have any of those? Tell me about them.

Tuesday, 31 July 2012

Hopefully my last whiny blog post for a while. (But I can't make any promises.)

When my ex-husband and I first separated, we were both committed strongly to making sure that our kids knew that they still had a whole family. We spent more time together--the four of us--than I would guess that most families with married parents do. It meant that the kids had both of us there just about whenever they wanted or needed us, and we both got to be a part of all the important things that were going on in their lives.

For reasons that I suppose really don't matter, that changed last year. Now my kids are gone half of the time, and I've never even seen the inside of the house they live in when they're away. When I do have them, it's always just the three of us. I used to tell people that I wasn't a single parent. I was just a parent who was single. I think I'm a single parent now. 

It's funny the things you miss.

There are the big things: making all the decisions yourself without having anyone to talk them over with, not knowing what your kids are up to and how they're doing, having no control over who they're seeing and what those people are saying to them. Those things are hard for obvious reasons.

Then there are the little things: I miss that quick exchange of amused glances over the kids' heads when one of them says something they didn't realize was funny. I miss the conversations I get to have with them when just one of the kids comes to the store with me. I miss having someone to tell about the cutest thing one of them said, even though I know it's really not that cute and you'd have to know her to get how funny it was. Those things seem silly, but they're the bits that make me the saddest.

I think my kids still feel like they have a whole family. I hope so. I don't think they feel like they're missing out on too much, although I know there are things that they wish were different. But I feel like I am. I wanted to have a whole family, too. Even though there are certainly perks to the current arrangement, I wanted to raise my kids with someone

Maybe all along, I was just being selfish, and it was never for them that I insisted we stay some kind of family even if we were separated. Maybe it was always just for me. I mean, they seem to be pretty okay with everything. And their dad is the happiest he's ever been. I'm the only one who's not all right with this.

I don't suppose I'll ever get a second chance to do this over again--obviously not with these kids, anyhow--so I better find a way to enjoy it more and accept that me not getting exactly what I wanted doesn't really matter that much. I got two great kids, and that's a lot. It ought to be enough for anyone, really, so it's probably time to suck it up now that I got it out. I'll go see about doing that.

Thursday, 26 July 2012

A fork in the road, a divergence in the wood, and other fun travelling metaphors.

I haven't blogged in a long, long time. I've been sort of insanely busy, and I had no internet service, and that always helps a lot with logging things on the web. So, let me quickly bring you up to date, gentle readers:

I moved. Yup. I finally got well and truly out of Listowel. Not just moved away for school. Real, grown up, changed-the-address-on-my-license-and-everything moved. That was basically my only goal for life, and I never really thought it would happen for reasons that clearly are no longer worth mentioning.

I achieved my only real goal for life. Did you hear that? That's pretty good. Most people don't ever get to say that. I do. You know who doesn't? Bill.

Who's Bill? Bill is Kilgore Trout's bird. Probably stop reading if you haven't finished Kurt Vonnegut's collection, or at least Breakfast of Champions.

Oh, you've read it? Then let me go on.

I think the moment that Bill doesn't leave his cage in Breakfast of Champions is one of the most poignant moments in all of literature (or at least the bits I've read so far). And yet, I left my cage. And do you know what? I suppose in the back of my mind, I always thought Bill was wrong. Right in a way, but also wrong. Because you know what's better than hope, Bill? Flying. I mean, I've never done it, but I bet it is.

Anyway, that's kind of where I'm at. I left my cage, and I don't know where to go now. I'm not a bird, though, so I'm sure I could find something else to hope for besides getting out. But I haven't yet, and while I'm kind of enjoying flying (read: having a huge library, and a gym, and 24-hour grocery stores with strange produce, and a garbage chute), I'm also not sure what to do next, particularly in terms of finding my career path.

About six thousand roads just diverged in the wood, and I--I have no idea which one to travel by. And that is making all the difference to my current level of contentment. Which is to say, I feel a little weird without a goal in mind. I don't like being stuck standing still, but I'm pretty sure most of these roads are gated and locked and I don't have the key, and the remainder are undesirable to me.

Somewhere here, surely, there's one where I'm supposed to go, like Katy Perry says:


No joke: I adore Katy Perry. Immensely.


But I haven't found it yet. And I can't decide what to do. And okay, I'm going to be honest, I'm so afraid of failure (because I know  feel that everyone is waiting for me to fail) that I'm kinda paralyzed with fear of choosing the wrong thing and dooming myself to ridicule.

The annoying thing is that I make enough money now that taking a really crappy job, even if I'd like it more (I would. I undoubtedly would.) would be irresponsible. But I don't make enough money now to stick with my job, which actually is not entirely secure over the long term.

Probably I'll just wait until I lose my current job, and they release the hounds of poverty to drag me down, and I have to tear recklessly down one of these many divergent paths, and I'm no betting gal, but if I were, I'd just go buy the McDonald's uniform now.

But until then, if you need me, I'll be here, standing at the fork in the road.

Monday, 14 May 2012

So you want (me to read the book you've decided) to self-publish, eh?

I don't know much about the book publishing biz. I've never tried to publish a book, and I don't imagine I ever will. But I sure like to read them. And I know I should say this with shame, but it's not my style, so I'll just say it: I'm prejudiced against self-published books. Occasionally someone sends me one, or is nice to me and makes me feel obligated to buy theirs in digital format, and they're usually only $1.99, so I do.

A lot of people say that they're only self-publishing because they don't want to turn their labours of love into money-makers for the man (big publishing). That's fine. I'm picking up what those people are laying down. If, in fact, you're not just self-publishing because you can't be arsed to write a book anyone knowledgeable would think worth publishing, here are some ideas to help entice me to read your book:

1/ If you want to write fanfic, write fanfic.
Some people like fanfic. I don't. What I dislike even more than fanfic is being offered something to read and realizing it's just fanfic with the names changed. Not only is this frustrating, but it also reeks of idea infringement. Before your pen even hits paper (or fingers touch keys, as the case more likely is), please be brutally honest with yourself about whether you're creating something new or making a worthy exploration of an existing world. If it's the latter, embrace it, find the right outlet, and run with it. It's a great way to practice writing, and your own story will come eventually, I'm sure.

2/ Understand that your circle of friends is composed entirely of lying assholes.
Okay, they may not be assholes, but I'm not sure what else you'd call a person who would let someone spend a lot of time and money on writing and publishing a sub-par, barely (or even un-) readable book.

I'll be fair: the job of your loved ones is to support and encourage you. They believe in you because they know you're a great person, and the odds are good that you really are the best writer they know. Let them keep being your cheering section. Turn to them when you need that. Don't ask them for real feedback. But do make sure that you get constructive criticism from people who are qualified to give it and in a position to do so. You owe it to everyone you know, to your book, and to your future readers to take this advice.

3/ Pay someone to tell you that you suck.
I don't know what self-publishing costs, but I can tell by the price of most self-published books, that you have not had to factor the expense of an editor into your cover price. Do. Please. Hire an editor. I can barely point my browser in the vicinity of an online classified site without my mouse scrolling over a few freelance editors' looking-for-authors ads. Even if you can't afford a really good one, or a very experienced one, please hire someone to be your editor.

That doesn't mean get a proofreader. Editors do so much more than that. An editor often works with an author even in the early stages of developing the story, and can help you shape the plot and characters, tell you where there are gaps and gratuitousness, and offer a critical perspective on how your book will be received. Editors understand what you're trying to do and want to help you make a success of it, and unlike your lying friends, they will tell you what you need to hear for that to happen. And they'll probably proofread it, too.

4/ Market test it.
This means get people to read it. People who enjoy whatever genre it is that you're writing. But not your friends and family. Do you know why they pay people for doing market tests? It's not because nobody would do that otherwise (people love that sort of thing)--it's because if you're being compensated for your opinion, you feel that it's important and you should be forthcoming. Yes, I'm suggesting you pay people to read your book. Send them an e-book (free for you) and offer them even a $5 or $10 bookstore gift card upon completion of your survey.

Spread this cost out over all those extra books you're going to sell now that you have honest feedback, and it's worth it. And if right now you're thinking that you'll never sell enough to recoup those costs, then go back to point number one and try again, because if you don't have a book worth buying for a reasonable price, you don't have a book worth publishing.

5/ Okay, fine. Publish your book then.
Did you do it? Did you decide it's not fanfic, and then separate your cheerleaders from your critics, and did you hire an editor, and then did you market test it, and then did you go back to your editor, and then market test it again, and then weep to your family who cheered you on, and lather, rinse, repeat until you had a book that finally is great?

Awesome. Now I believe you when you say that you wanted to write a great book, but just didn't want to publish it with a subsidiary of General Electric. And I can't wait to read it. It's gonna be great, I bet. Thanks for doing all that.

Wednesday, 4 April 2012

I don't hate you because you're beautiful. I hate you because you get your water glass filled faster than I do.

Samantha Brick wrote an article about how hard it is to be beautiful. Everyone got very angry, mostly because she's so conceited or something. Less commonly, because they don't think what she's saying is true. My immediate reaction was something along the lines of "Boo-fucking-hoo." But then I read it, and realized she's saying things that I've been saying a lot lately, too. In fact, if you know me at all, you've probably heard my "Pretty girls get everything handed to them and it's not fair" monologue a few times.

Brick prefaced her article with the fact that she's not drop-dead gorgeous, but she's tall, thin, and blonde. On the flipside, let me preface mine with the fact that I'm not hide-your-children ugly, but I'm short, chubby, and brunette.

However, I've been hated by women, too. That's what women do. They hate. For example, probably the one thing I have going for me is that I'm pretty smart. Even as a university student, if ever I revealed to someone the grade I got on an assignment, I would face an onslaught of justifications for my mark. These would range from the perhaps plausible ("Well, you had so much more time to work on it than I did") to the completely unfounded ("That's because she likes you better than me").

None of that resentment was because I was a pretty girl. As stated, I'm not now and never have been a pretty girl. But I was, in that one small way, better than most other people. While my male school chums would get a peek at a good grade on a paper or test and offer me a high five, the girls would tell me why I didn't deserve it.

The fact is, most women have something they excel at. For some it's being pretty. For me, it's being book-smart. For others, it's a sport. Or writing. Or video games. Most of us have something about which we can, if we look at ourselves obectively, say "I am better at that than most other people are." And those excellencies will garner us hate. I guarantee that if you are female, someone has hated you for something.

It's what women do.

We do it to beautiful women more often because they're lucky. And we hate them for it. My IQ, or your marathon time, or someone else's stand-up comedy routine might garner us similar special treatment to that received by the pretties, but those things are awfully hard to bring up in conversation. Beautiful women walk into the room and BOOM, right away, everyone knows they're pretty.

It's also universal. My intelligence does not impress everybody. Every man (and let's be honest: at the heart of this thing called life, most of us are just competing for men) likes beautiful women. No matter where a tall, thin, blonde woman goes, invariably and immediately, someone will place a value on her as a human being that far exceeds the value they will place on me.

And that's the heart of the hatred: I don't hate you because you're beautiful. I hate you because I'm not. More specifically, I hate you for all the things you get that I don't.

I hate you because when you're struggling with grocery bags, a man rushes over to help you. I hate you because when you need someone to talk to, some guy wants to be your friend. I hate you because you get things you can't afford handed to you. Because I want those things to, and nobody is going to hand them to me.

I hate you for getting better service in restaurants; I hate you because people listen when you talk; I hate you because no matter what you do, every guy will think it's okay, and because every guy does, every girl will, too; and yes, I hate you because you, as a group, take all the good guys.

And it's not fair. I shouldn't hate you. It's not your fault, and most of you, though there are exceptions, aren't trying to make those things happen. And even so, I don't expect you to start turning any of those things down to repair the sorority that we want to imagine is all of female humanity. I wouldn't. I'd take them, too. I'd take the help, and the friendship, and at least some of the gifts, and the better service, and the attention, and the great guy. I'd take it all, too.

I shouldn't judge you for what you can't help. Or men, for that matter, because I guess they probably can't help it either. I should try to understand your side. I should look deeper into who I am, and recognize the fact that there might be other reasons why I don't get what I perceive to be special treatment.

But it's so much easier to hate you.

So, I've got to be honest: I'll probably just keep doing that. Just like you will keep accepting the special treatment, even though you know it's not fair. It makes life easier. And this is the underlying social contract of the vagina club: We all hate each other and shut up about it.

I guess that means this blog post is done.






My friend Amy (You know Amy. I've talked about Amy.) also blogged about this today because apparently we both decided today was finally the day to find out who Samantha Brick is. Amy talked about it from a different angle, and raised excellent points in a way that is far funnier than... me. Go read that, too. And give her all the special treatment you like. She's too awesome for me to hate her. It's the loophole in the vagina contract.